Growing Up (5), a true kind of short love story

(continued from part 4)

What a surprise!

After months of longing to see her once more, heartbeat was understandably running too fast, I had to control my breath. I turned off my motorbike, removed my helmet, and placed it, as always, on the right mirror. As I swung my left leg over the bike, I felt my knees trembled, but I refused to let it be visible. This one small step from the bike to her felt like a massive leap into a different world. I felt butterflies in my stomach; everything around me blurred except for this one beautiful person, the center of many thoughts.

The sunshine fills my hair

And dreams hang in the air

Gulls in the sky and in my blue eye

You know it feels unfair

There's magic everywhere

I wasn't worried about the traffic nor if someone I knew might see me. It felt like the world revolved around her; I couldn't help but my eyes were fixed on her, and everything else didn't matter. I had never experienced this before and will never know if she could imagine or understand how much I was looking for this moment - when this 'hope to see you' finally came true. But all of these thoughts seemed foolish and completely unimportant in the here and now. I was simply glad that she was there, that I could talk to her face to face, a normal yet very special human being to me.

It felt as if we we continued right where we left off in our last conversation ago. It went on seamlessly, talking about her, her family, her work and working environment, and life in general. Everything felt so fresh and natural, even though I somehow refrained from telling much about myself and my family. From my perspective, there was nothing noteworthy to share, and many things might have seemed outright embarrassing to share with someone educated, interesting, and dear to me. Somehow, I didn't want to show or create wrong or rather false impressions; I just wanted to be myself, wanted to be as I am. Perhaps because my parents were actually absent in my educational upbringing, I developed a natural interest in other people's lives, how they live, what they think, and how they handle life's challenges. For me, my interest wasn't a feigned childish curiosity but a real interest, and I felt she noticed and was surprisingly willing to share openly to a stranger like me.

Look at me standing

Here on my own again

Up straight in the sunshine

I have to admit that from the very unhealthy environment created in our family led me to develop a general distrust in people. Fearful of saying the wrong causing misunderstandings, I was never very talkative. I was deeply concerned about being ridiculed, belittled, and repeatedly hurt, over and over again. Many people took advantage of this vulnerability of mine to make jokes, and I faced abuse not only within my family. Consequently, I preferred to withdraw and rather remain silent.

They seem to hate you

because you're there

Rather than feeling hopeless in my self-imposed solitude, I learned to appreciate when people would like to take me seriously and developed a sense of listening and asking questions instead of making my own assumptions. Talking to her was an extraordinary experience; I felt like a completely different person, transformed and able to speak freely. There were no troubling past or future concerns, just a genuine and pure appreciation for this magical moment. I felt the inexplicable presence of something indescribable, a moment when everything comes together as if it was planned from above. Something that I've encountered only four times in my over 60 years of life!

Both of us were genuinely interested in continuing this conversation, which is why the time flew by so captivatingly. I was not a follower watching from the outside; I was actually participating in this serious but also sometimes humorous conversation. However, after a while, I sensed something else was taking over, something hidden for many years was brought to life. For as long as I could remember, I felt people were reading me wrong and, as a consequence, didn't get the respect I deserved. But here, in this moment, it was very different, and that's when I realized that right here and now was an extraordinary moment in my still young life.

There was an unselfish giving and taking, a true innocence, and a common spirit between two young people, something I'd never experienced in any conversation before. And there were the pure facial expressions, whether they were funny or serious, her shining eyes full and a beautiful mind, knowing when to speak further or knowing when to hold back.

No need to run and hide

It's a wonderful, wonderful life

No need to laugh and cry

It's a wonderful, wonderful life

I need a friend, oh I need a friend

To make me happy, not so alone

Look at me here

Here on my own again

Up straight in the sunshine

When she mentioned, that her Mom was waiting, I realized that this conversation had to come to an end. This was the beginning of the 1980s and very few people around me would talk so frankly about family responsibilities. I was cool to be independent, not (!) to think about others were doing from you. While nodding and smiling understandingly on the outside, I tried to cover up the inner sadness that it would be over.

To make up for the time she spent with me, I offered her to send her home - more as an insecure joke than a serious offer. I thought she would refuse anyway. But to my surprise, she willingly accepted. When I handed her my helmet from the mirror, she held in for a moment, realizing that I was riding a motorcycle sending her home. But she accepted the head protection with a smile and put it on her head, even knowing that she would destroy her hairstyle. Some people might feel claustrophobic in a full-face helmet for the first time, so I opened the visor for her. I was so close that I could feel her breath on my hand. Controlling myself, I managed to close the strap of the helmet. A nod told her that everything was all right for the trip.

I got on the motorcycle first, turned the key, and pushed the button to start, still expecting she would refuse. But she moved her bag from one shoulder to the other across her chest and was prepared to get on the bike. I warned her about the long coat and she just pulled it up, stepped on one footrest, and swung her left leg over the saddle, sitting right behind me. She naturally held on my waist and after I told her to 'hold on tight' we went off!

(to be continued)