Growing Up (9), a true kind of short love story

(continued from part 8)

Epilogue

The next few months, many things happened that changed our family and my own life forever.

My second youngest sister moved out, and soon after, my 17-year-old baby sister left for a small flat. My mother often mentioned she would leave once her responsibilities of raising her children were done, and with the help of one of her daughters, she did exactly that. She had years to prepare; she believed it was fair to take all the money and financial resources, clearing out the bank accounts as compensation for the time she spent for her children. The next day, she filed for divorce.

When my father returned from a tour, he discovered an empty apartment and questioned me, the last child remaining, about my mother. I informed him that she had moved out and taken as much as she could with her. He didn't even inquire about the reasons or details; despite being dirty and exhausted, he simply went to the bank to 'borrow some money to survive,' as he phrased it. My father was acquainted with the branch manager through my mother and had a stable income, so money was the least of his concerns.

A few weeks later, I told my father that I had found a place and would move out within the next few days. When his reaction was, 'You want to leave me too?', I could finally notice some emotions in his eyes, but too much damage had been done.

Our relationship was never easy, as he was rarely home and throughout my life, he never showed genuine interest in me or my activities. Forgotten birthdays were just simple examples. We lived under the same roof but led separate lives and had nothing in common; from his side, he was never open to share and had never interests or hobbies. Most fathers would try to connect to their sons like talking about football, history, politics or life in general, but he never tried. His political view was that "we need a new Hitler to destroy Germany, which we have worked to build up." - and I could not relate to that.

In my 60s, I took the 'Basics of Psychology' course online at Yale University (USA), and it became evident that 'boys seek their fathers for guidance and as a behavioral model in the world and in relationships'. Luckily, as a young boy, I realized that my father wasn't someone to follow, which spared me later a lot of time and disappointments in the process. As I matured, I chose other role models without deep ties and mostly learned from them and through personal experiences; what made sense I kept, what was against Christian values and seemed foolish I discarded. This was a very slow process but it has some strong roots. Leaving my father was a development I had seen coming for over 20 years - even it was painful I was very relieved that I could breath freely without any fear of mental and physical abuse.

After I moved out from the apartment, he received a letter that he was no longer eligible to live in the social housing, he was ordered to renovate the apartment for the next family and to move out. He had a girlfriend who just inherited a house from her father - a good opportunity for my father.

The apartment was close to my home, situated in the basement of a single-family house. My rent helped cover part of their mortgage. Since it was furnished, I save some money. On my own, I discovered how much I had learn. It took me three tries to cook the potatoes right, only two for noodles.

After living there for six months, I received my draft notice from the German Army for service starting in January 1995. Wanting to travel one month before, I quit my job at the Volkswagen/Audi/Porsche dealer and enjoyed some sunshine in Thailand.

During the following 15 months, I not only learned to handle my gun and to defend my country but also met some other remarkable young men. I would say that I learned and grew significantly during this period. After my service, I took on various jobs to save money for traveling. Things didn't go as planned, so I moved to Mannheim to live with my older sister. I worked as a typist for the US Army and traveled again. In Taiwan, I encountered a very kind and interesting young woman. Upon returning to Germany, I worked for a photo wholesaler and met her again under some fortunate circumstances.

In the summer of 1989, I decided to leave Germany and move to Taiwan with around 500 Euros in my pocket and started a new life. I found a job in a trading company in Taipei, got married, and became a father. After I was cheated by the company to which I gave so much business, I started my own company in 1993. With an interruption from 1998 to 2001, I have called Taiwan my home ever since. Despite painful and many negative things during my time growing up, I would say that I created a loving and functioning family, became indeed a good husband and a responsible father. I managed this without balancing it with my own interest like cycling, photography, writing and even pastoring homeless for 2 1/2 years. In my 50s I earned a diploma from a Christian seminary and did my first short distance triathlon. In the beginning of my 60s I studied the before mentioned 'Basics of Psychology' in Yale online.

I credit the success of my personal life story to various factors, primarily steering clear of my father's alcoholism and my mother's Nazism, along with all the unhealthy and selfish aspects associated with them. From a very young age, my parent's negative examples helped me recognize harmful habits and blind beliefs developed out of ignorance and frustration.

Life lessons

What sets humans apart from animals is that we 'possess a moral conscience and are accountable for our choices, while animals rely on instinct and do not have the same capacity for moral judgment'. Nevertheless, numerous individuals are influenced by their challenging surroundings, choose to act on instinct instead of reason, which obscures the distinctions that separate them from animals.

Throughout human history, education—the transfer of knowledge, skills, and character traits in various forms—has been highly valued and a goal for those who could afford it. I was pleased to be raised in Germany, where free education is cherished; my parents never paid a cent for my kindergarten, elementary, junior high, and even part-time business school. Although the government provided us children with this wonderful environment, my parents fell short in properly educating their children. Because of WWII, they missed out on formal schooling, and it is possible that their parents did not take their responsibilities towards their children seriously.

I must admit that, as a child, I didn't clearly understand the importance of education, and as a teenager, my grades noticeably declined. One reason was my weakening eyesight, which prevented me from seeing clearly. So I copied what the teacher wrote on the blackboard from my classmate's notebook. I mentioned it to my mother, but she felt it was too costly, so I delayed for around two years - until my teacher contacted her. Once my vision was clear, my grades got better...

Due to my mother, I was unable to attend a university, but I made an effort to educate myself in different ways. I read newspapers, magazines, and books, worked on listening attentively, and realized that it's important not to accept everything at face value, regardless of what people say, write, or do. Given the German Nazi history, I became particularly cautious about believing what others say, claim, or present to the audience. There are many examples on social media where people twist the truth, use bullying tactics, and disrespect people just to get their own false and unjust agenda across.

Before using social media, I'm aware that there are many unreasonable individuals out there. If someone refers to me as a "stupid old man, ride away," I take it as proof that there is reason, since unreasonable individuals rather resort to insults than acknowledging they've hit a dead end or are wrong. And nothing great comes from violence anyway...

There are several reasons why I did not choose the easier way to become an alcoholic or chain smoker like my father, nor did I turn into a violent Nazi like my mother; how I managed to forgive them, and how I discovered my true self during my difficult childhood and teenage years, and what kept me on the right path while many others faltered, wasting their time blindly pursuing false idols and wrong goals.

I don't write these things to elevate myself; I don't seek followers. My aim is to inspire, encourage, and provide support to help overcome the many challenges life presents to us all. Don't give up if someone criticizes you; instead, strive to improve, and if they have a point, learn from it and grow.

A child of God - learn to love yourself

As a young child, feeling unwanted and facing disrespect along with physical and psychological abuse from your own parents might push you to the brink of believing you are indeed a failure as my mother ingrained in my young mind over and over again.

But it was not only after attending church that I learned that ''God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. (Genesis 1:27)". As I understood the truth in these words, I took them as a comfort and shield from insults aimed at me. They ceased to affect me and it took a while not to take them personal but as a way for angry and possibly envious humans to release their own frustrations. Believe it or not, after understanding and accepting being a child of God, my anger turned into something very powerful. I began to feel pity for my violent parents not realizing the same as me. Why should God punish me, His own creation? Isn't it that the humans who refuse to believe and do not want to live according to his laws create their own human standards?

'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future' (Jeremiah 29:11).

These biblical words felt so different, so refreshing from my mother's Nazi teachings that I felt betrayed and cheated by her. She hurt this child of hers by asking 'why do live while Goethe (a famous Germany poet), had to die?' As an adult, you torment your own offspring on purpose, hurt others because of your own ego.

But didn't God promised me hope, and promised me a future even though my own mother would doubt my reasons to live? The Bible ain't wrong, I found my peace in prayers and in the words of the Bible.

If you are a person bullied by others please don't listen to the garbage of uneducated people but accept that you are unique, a child of God. Do not give up to believe in the sunshine after heavy clouds and even heavy rain pouring you! There is someone much more powerful, mightier on your side, "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Don't be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8."

'Walk on thru the wind

walk on thru the rain,

For your dreams be tossed and blown

Walk on, walk on,

With hope in your heard

And you'll never walk alone

Forgive

From the outside, it might be unnoticeable that I found God, my relationship from my parents to me did not change. They kind of accepted their lives but me as someone growing up I was still hungry and looking for my way.

Both of them made the first 20 years of my life miserable, it took me some years to find the power to forgive my parents and prayed for their souls in Christ.

As our Lord endured the cross, Jesus uttered, "'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing (Luke 23:34).'" I experienced pain and suffering because of my parents, and it was difficult to let go, but it ultimately made sense. Numerous Bible verses highlight the benefits of forgiveness, and from my own experience, I felt liberated and was able to focus on things that propel me forward rather than hold me back. I used this newfound freedom neither for hatred nor alcoholism, but to learn, to grow, and improve for a positive influence on society.

(to be continued)