Growing Up (9), a true kind of short love story

(continued from part 8)

Epilogue

The next few months, many things happened that changed our family and, of course, my own life - forever.

My second youngest sister moved out, and soon after, my 17-year-old baby sister left for a small flat. My mother often mentioned she would leave once her responsibilities of raising her children were done, and with the help of one of her daughters, she did exactly that. She had years to prepare; she believed it was fair to leave and take all the money and financial resources, clearing out the bank accounts as compensation for the time she spent for her children. After she left, she filed for divorce in the next few days.

When my father came back from a tour, he found an empty apartment and asked me, the last child remaining, about my mother. I told him she had moved out and taken as much as she could with her. He didn't even ask for reasons or details; his alcoholism was a key factor in this tragic story of a broken family and ruined lives. Despite being dirty and exhausted, he just went to the bank to 'borrow some money to survive,' as he put it. My father knew the branch manager through my mother and had a stable income, so money was the least of his worries.

It was the first time in my 21 years that we had the opportunity for some private time together, but he showed no interest in making up for lost time or in me at all. He carried on with his daily routines as if nothing had changed, although I could tell he was hiding a lot inside. Despite his strong physique from working as a truck loader, his words and actions had become very slow. He used to struggle to speak, but now he fought to find the right words, afraid of inflicting even more harm.

A few weeks later, I told my father that I had found a place and would move out within the next few days. When his reaction was, 'You want to leave me too?', I could finally notice some emotions in his eyes, but too much damage had been done.

Our relationship was never easy, as he was rarely home and, throughout my life, he never showed even a grain of genuine interest in me or my activities. Forgotten birthdays were just simple examples. We lived under the same roof but led separate lives and had nothing in common; from his side, he was never open to sharing, and except for his secret girlfriends and alcohol, he actually had no interests or hobbies. Most fathers would try to connect to their sons by talking about football, history, politics, or life in general, but he never tried. His political view was that "we need a new Hitler to destroy Germany, which we have worked to build up," and I could never relate to extremism solving daily hurdles.

In my 60s, I enrolled in the 'Basics of Psychology' course online at Yale University (USA), where it became clear that 'boys look to their fathers for guidance and as a behavioral model in the world and in relationships.' Fortunately, as a young boy, I realized early that my father wasn't someone to emulate, which was not only a very sad but hard thing. But looking back, it saved me a lot of time hunting for an invisible and wrong rock to lean on and disappointments later on. As I grew older, I choose other role models without very close or personal connections without letting them know and mostly learned through experiences; I kept what made sense and discarded what contradicted my Christian values and everything that seemed unreal or just plain stupid. Even though it seemed a daunting task for a very young boy find a way in life on his own, I try to keep true to myself on the foundation of the Bible, the promises of God.

"24 The Lord bless you and keep you, 25 the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; 26 the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.'"

Parting ways with my father was a change I had expected for more than 20 years. Despite the pain, I felt a profound relief in being able to breathe freely without the intimidation of mental and physical abuse - the first time in my life!

After I moved out from the apartment, he received a letter that he was no longer eligible to live in the social housing, he was ordered to renovate the apartment for the next family and to move out. He had a girlfriend who just inherited a house from her father - a good opportunity for my father.

The apartment was close to my home, situated in the basement of a single-family house. My rent helped cover part of their mortgage. Since it was furnished, I save some money. On my own, I discovered how much I had learn. It took me three tries to cook the potatoes right, only two for noodles.

After living there for six months, I received my draft notice from the German Army for military service starting in January 1995. Wanting to travel one month before, I quit my job at the Volkswagen/Audi/Porsche dealer and enjoyed some sunshine in Thailand.

During the following 15 months, I not only learned to take care of my equipment, handle my gun and to defend my country but also met some other remarkable young men. I would say that I learned and grew significantly during this period of my life.

After my service, I took on various jobs to save money for traveling. Things didn't go as planned, so I moved to Mannheim to live with my older sister. I worked as a typist for the US Army and traveled again. In Taiwan, I encountered a very kind and interesting young woman. Upon returning to Germany, I worked for a photo wholesaler and met her under some fortunate circumstances again.

In the summer of 1989, I decided to leave Germany and move to Taiwan with around 500 Euros in my pocket and started a new life. I found a job in a trading company in Taipei, got married, and became a father. After I was cheated by the company to which I gave so much business, I started my own company in 1993. With an interruption from 1998 to 2001, I have called Taiwan my home ever since. Despite painful and many negative things during my time growing up, I would say that I created a loving and functioning family, became indeed a good husband and a responsible father. I managed this without balancing it with my own interest like cycling, photography, writing and even pastoring homeless for 2 1/2 years. In my 50s I earned a diploma from a Christian seminary and did my first short distance triathlon. In the beginning of my 60s I studied the before mentioned 'Basics of Psychology' in Yale online.

I credit the success of my personal life story to various factors, primarily steering clear of my father's alcoholism and my mother's Nazism, along with all the unhealthy and selfish aspects associated with them. From a very young age, my parent's negative examples helped me recognize harmful habits and blind beliefs developed out of ignorance and frustration.

Life lessons

What sets us humans apart is that we 'possess a moral conscience and are accountable for our choices, while animals rely on instinct and do not have the same capacity for moral judgment'. Nevertheless, numerous individuals are influenced by their surroundings, choose to act rather on instinct than on reason, which obscures the distinctions that separate them from animals.

Throughout human history, education—the transfer of knowledge, skills, and character traits in various forms—has been highly valued and a high goal for those who could afford it. I was pleased to be raised in Germany, where free education is cherished; my parents never paid a cent for my kindergarten, elementary, junior high, and even part-time business school. Although the government provided us children with this wonderful environment, my parents failed poorly in educating their children. Because of WWII, they missed out on formal schooling, and it might be that their own parents did not take the responsibilities towards their own children seriously.

I must admit that, as a child, I didn't clearly understand the importance of education, and as a teenager, my grades noticeably declined. One reason was my weakening eyesight, which prevented me from seeing clearly. So I copied what the teacher wrote on the blackboard from my classmate's notebooks. I mentioned this to my mother, but she felt it was too costly, so I delayed to correct it for around two years - until my teacher contacted her. Once my vision was clear, my grades got better...

Due to my mother's own plans, she did not allow me to study at a university, a big blow. But I made an effort to educate myself in different ways. I read newspapers, magazines, and books, learned to focus while others are speaking but I also realized not to take everything 100% what people say, write, or do. Given the German Nazi history, I became particularly cautious hat others say, claim, or present to the audience. Even today and particular on social media there are many people twisting the truth, use bullying tactics to intimidate, and disrespect people just to get their own false and unjust agenda across.

Before engaging with social media, I recognize that there are many irrational people. If someone calls me a "stupid old man, ride away," I see it as evidence of reason, because unreasonable people tend to use insults instead of admitting they've reached a dead end or are simply incorrect. Moreover, nothing positive results from violence, whether online or offline!

There are multiple reasons why I chose not to take the easier path of following in the footsteps of my alcoholic father or becoming a chain smoker who spends money on women like he did. I resisted becoming a violent Nazi like my mother, who idolized a man with a flawed ideology yet couldn't love her own children. Despite growing up in a hostile environment, I strove to be true to myself and stay positive, improving myself while contributing positively to society—building up instead of destroying. How I found my own way during these challenging childhood and teenage years, and what helped me stay on the right track while many others strayed, spending their time aimlessly chasing false idols and misguided objectives.

My purpose in writing isn't to promote myself or increase my follower count. I seek to inspire, encourage, and support others as they confront life's many challenges. Essentially, if someone criticizes or scolds you, don't let it bring you down. Instead, try to understand the reasons behind their negativity or bullying, and focus on bettering yourself. If the criticism holds truth, view it as a chance to learn and grow.

Avoid using other people's problems as a reason to harm yourself or make poor choices. Stay clear of cheap excuses like drugs and alcohol, they only help you to escape but don't solve anything. Instead, confront the enemies and embrace life and discover the endless opportunities beyond the familiar dark horizon—you can turn anything into something very positive.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

A child of God - learn to love yourself

My earliest memories involve feelings of rejection, being unwanted, and disrespect, coupled with physical and psychological abuse from both of my parents.

These experiences can drive you to the edge of believing you truly are (!) 'a failure' and 'have no reason to live', as my mother repeatedly instilled in my young mind. Only after attending the youth group in the church I learned that

''God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them."

(Genesis 1:27)".

I was moved by these beautiful words with silent tears. I embraced them as a source of comfort and protection against any negativity aimed at me. Insults no longer impacted me, and over time, I learned not to take them seriously or affecting me. I started to see disrespect as a means for angry and possibly envious individuals to vent their own frustrations toward me.

Believe it or not, after understanding and accepting 'being a child of God', my initial anger and frustrations turned into something very powerful. I began to feel pity for my violent parents not realizing the same as me. Why should God punish his own creation? Isn't it that the humans by themselves refuse to believe and choose not to live according to His laws but rather than own human standards and natures?

'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future' (Jeremiah 29:11).

The words from the Bible felt so different and refreshing compared to my mother's Nazi teachings in my young mind that I felt betrayed and deceived by her. She wounded me by questioning, 'why do you live while Goethe (a famous German poet) had to die?' As an adult, do you intentionally cause your child distress, harming them due to your own shortcomings?

God gave me words of clear hope for a promised future, even though my own mother questioned my reasons for living! I couldn't believe that God or the Bible was mistaken, so I decided to find refuge in Him rather than spending time with angry and frustrated individuals. I didn't become isolated but was instead selective about companionship, ensuring it guided me towards the light and not back to a dark chapter of my life.

If you are a person bullied by others please don't listen to the garbage of uneducated people but accept that you are unique, a child of God. Do not give up to believe in the sunshine after heavy clouds and even heavy rain pouring you! There is someone much more powerful, mightier on your side, "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Don't be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8."

'Walk on thru the wind

walk on thru the rain,

For your dreams be tossed and blown

Walk on, walk on,

With hope in your heard

And you'll never walk alone

Forgive

From the outside, it might not be obvious that I discovered God, and my relationship with my parents remained the same. They seemed to have accepted their lives, but as someone growing up, I was still searching and trying to find my own way. Even though both of them made the first 20 years of my life miserable, it took me some years to find the power to forgive my parents and pray for their souls in Christ. As Jesus endured the cross, he said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing (Luke 23:34)." I went through pain and suffering due to my parents, and letting go was hard and challenging, but finally I chose to followed Christ and gave in.

Many Bible verses emphasize the need and importance for forgiveness, and in my own experience, a heavy burden was lifted off my shoulders. I felt light and free to focus on what I have, what drives me forward rather than what holds me back. I used this newfound freedom not for grudges or biases, but to thank God, to learn, grow, and improve so I could positively influence others.

"14 For if you forgive others people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive yours sins."

(Matthew 6)

Forgiveness is challenging because your heart and mind often disagree—this is part of human nature. However, considering the advantages it brings to your life, isn't it worthwhile?

(to be continued)