Growing Up (8), a true kind of short love story

(continued from part 7)

Gossip from a distance

When both my mother and sister realized that I was in the room, they didn't display any sign of embarrassment or shame - they laughed! It was simply their way of talking and spreading rumors about others, a practice that had repulsed me for many, many years. They would create opinions and judgments without any link to the individuals involved, talk about matters they didn't fully understand, and make judgments solely for entertainment, causing me to deeply question the integrity of humanity with every fiber of my being.

Personally, I've always tried to avoid getting 'generally' involved in others' matters, allowing them the freedom to make their own decisions, knowing that they will ultimately have to live with their choices and face the consequences. Similarly, I anticipated to get the same courtesy and respect from others.

My mother chose to marry an alcoholic after she became pregnant with my oldest sister and needed to find a solution (her words, not mine). Sadly, she spent her life unfairly blaming my oldest sister for being forced to marry due to her pregnancy. She moved out early and suffered clearly from my mother's psychological pressures put on her. My second sister frequently changed boyfriends, some of them were my friends and classmates. The youngest picked a boyfriend who seemed the same age like her father, possibly to compensate for that she never had one. Still, I remained silent and reserved my thoughts, as no one asked me, so it wasn't my place to have an opinion or pass judgments.

In my room, I clearly recalled the scene outside the window - a very significant individual for me walking by while two very familiar females gossiped about this person unknown to them. While I watched the two talebearers from the background I felt something was very wrong, something that could and would not fit into the picture - it was the girl I admired and liked so much.

My background is rooted in a working-class family; my father was a truck driver, and my mother was a full-time housewife. Neither of them had any education and were unable to offer their children anything that would encourage them to challenge the status quo and contribute positively to society. For me, life is never about financial wealth or material goods, but rather about relationships, mutual respect, and the attention to the fundamental aspects of human nature. Even as a young child with others, I sensed significant differences and even gaps in my education and, as a consequence, how to live and share with others. I felt that there was much to learn to develop into the positive and independent person I aspired to be. I didn't want to follow in my parents' footsteps; I wanted to look beyond the horizon, explore different worlds, be open-minded, and be able to take responsibilities and care for those around me.

When speaking with her, I realized she was not similar but quite the opposite of me. She had a loving and caring mother, they saw the need to live in an own apartment. She had everything I aspired to be and would have someday: a clear face, the confident posture of a person sure of herself, knowing how to take care of herself, being educated and have many different interests. To me, she was an angel who illuminated my life at a time when I needed it very much.

But even after these many years, I still think think that it would be very unfair and inappropriate to impose my own problems and everything negative accompanying this on someone you feel connected to, someone who feels precious. At times, I don't know what or how to say or do, but I never mean to harm anyone. I think, any human being has the right to be respected, even I seldom get it myself. Maybe I am slow to react because I spend too much time contemplating, but I don't think that's the problem—at least not for me.

A hard decision

With all these things running through my mind, I somehow concluded that it might be best not to pursue my dream of seeing her again. No, not because I felt somehow inferior with my background and my status quo but deep inside I knew a feeling or a wish was by far not enough to start or to maintain a steady and fruitful relationship. I needed to contribute much more; I still had to learn, adapt, and enhance myself, and I had to courageously address the ties connecting me to my past and the numerous negative habits I had 'naturally' developed over the years.

From my parent's bad example, I realized that despite good intentions, the lack of fundamentals and understandings can cause much more harm than good, leaving behind significant pain forming the rest of people's life. I admired the girl I met on the bus, and she became very important to me. She was an independent person and someone's daughter, and I truly believed that she should move forward with her own life, not regress due to an unknown person she met accidently. I held her in such high regard that I could not be selfish enough to burden a lovely person with such a heavy weight of my background on my shoulders...

Bringing a dream to an end before it could be realized was an incredibly difficult choice, and a few quiet tears landed on my bedsheet that night. I reflected on the joy and excitement I had felt when seeing her, and she might never understand how much she contributed to this period of my life.

Through all the pain of losing her, I felt extremely thankful and fortunate to have met and gotten to know her a bit, to talk to her, and to have the opportunity to look over the other side of my fence. Meeting her was an undeniable important part of my personal development. I not only got the confidence to express myself, appreciate the things I earned and on which I could build on for my future. With her, I realized that I should not pay too much attention to the people who put me down but focus rather on who I am, on what I could be. And all this began with a single question on the bus, when I bravely set aside my anxiety and inquired about an unfamiliar term...

Somehow, each time her friendly face and presence came to mind, my face inevitably transforms into a quiet smile

Lay a whisper on my pillow

Leave the winter on the ground

The following morning,

I woke up lonely, there's air of silence

In the bedroom and all around...

Even though my thoughts about her robbed me of many hours of sleep, I felt somewhat relieved. I got up, drew back the curtain, and observed that the morning sun looked quite different than normal. The sun was not as bright as usual, instead having a warm, almost unreal and mysterious glow.

(to be continued)