Growing Up (8), a true kind of short love story

(continued from part 7)

Gossip from a distance

When both my mother and sister realized that I was in the room, they didn't display any sign of embarrassment or shame - they laughed! It was simply their way of talking and spreading rumors about others, a practice that had repulsed me for many, many years. They would create opinions and judgments without any link to the individuals involved, talk about matters they didn't fully understand, and make judgments solely for entertainment, causing me to deeply question the integrity of humanity with every fiber of my being.

Personally, I've always tried to avoid getting 'generally' involved in others' matters, allowing them the freedom to make their own decisions, knowing that they will ultimately have to live with their choices and face the consequences. Similarly, I anticipated to get the same courtesy and respect from others.

My mother chose to marry an alcoholic after she became pregnant with my oldest sister and needed to find a solution (her words, not mine). Sadly, she spent her life unfairly blaming my oldest sister for being forced to marry due to her pregnancy. She moved out early and suffered clearly from my mother's psychological pressures put on her. My second sister frequently changed boyfriends, some of them were my friends and classmates. The youngest picked a boyfriend who seemed the same age like her father, possibly to compensate for that she never had one. Still, I remained silent and reserved my thoughts, as no one asked me, so it wasn't my place to have an opinion or pass judgments.

In my room, I clearly recalled the scene outside the window - a significant individual passing by while two very familiar gossip girls whispered and judged this person unknown to them. When I watched the gossipers from the background; that's when I felt something was very wrong, something that could and would not fit into the picture - it was the girl I admired so much.

My background is rooted in a working-class family; my father was a truck driver, and my mother was a dedicated housewife. They both lacked formal education and were unable to provide their children with what was truly necessary to develop into individuals who positively contribute to society. It was never about financial wealth or material goods, but rather about love, respect, and attention to the fundamental aspects of human nature. Even as a young child with others, I sensed significant gaps in my education and life; I felt that there was much to learn to develop into the positive and independent person I aspired to be. I didn't want to follow in my parents' footsteps; I wanted to look beyond the horizon, explore different worlds, be open-minded, and be able to care for those around me.

When speaking with her, I realized she was not similar but quite the opposite of me. She had a loving and caring mother, they saw the need to live in an own apartment. She had everything I aspired to be and would have someday: a clear face, the confident posture of a person sure of herself, knowing how to take care of herself, being educated and have many different interests. To me, she was an angel who illuminated my life at a time when I needed it very much.

But even after many years, I continue to think that it would be unfair and inappropriate to impose your own problems and everything accompanying this negativity on someone you feel connected to. At times, I don't know what or how to say or do, but I never mean to harm anyone. I think, any human being has the right to be respected, even I seldom get it myself. Perhaps I am slowly in my reactions because I consider too long, but I don't believe that's the issue—at least not for me.

A hard decision

With all these things running through my mind, I somehow concluded that it might be best not to pursue my dream of seeing her again. No, not because I felt somehow inferior to her due to my background and my status with a job and a steady income. But deep inside I knew a feeling or a wish was by far not enough to start or to maintain a steady and fruitful relationship. I needed to bring a lot more; I still had to learn, adapt, and improve on myself, and I had to bravely sever ties binding me to my past and the many negative habits I 'naturally' had acquired over the years.

From my parent's bad example, I realized that despite good intentions, the lack of fundamentals and understandings can cause more harm than good, leaving behind significant pain forming the rest of people's life. I admired the girl I met on the bus, and she became very important to me. She was an independent person and someone's daughter, and I truly believed that she should move forward with her own life, not regress due to an unknown person she met accidently on a bus. I held her in such high regard that I could not be selfish enough to burden a lovely person with such a heavy weight of my background on my shoulders...

Ending a dream before it could come true in this way was a very tough decision, and few silent tears fell onto my bedsheet in the night. I thought about how happy and excited I had been seeing her, and perhaps she will never realize how much she had given me during that time.

Through all the pain of losing her, I felt extremely thankful and fortunate to have met and gotten to know her a bit, to talk to her, and to have the opportunity to look over the other side of my fence. Meeting her was an undeniable important part of my personal development. I not only learned to look at myself, at the things I had and I could build on for my future. With her, I realized that I should not pay too much attention to the people who put me down but focus but rather on who I am, on what I I could be. And all this began with a single question on the bus, when I bravely set aside my anxiety and inquired about an unfamiliar term...

Somehow, each time her friendly face and presence came to mind, my sadness inevitably transformed into a quiet smile that night!

Lay a whisper on my pillow

Leave the winter on the ground

The following morning,

I woke up lonely, there's air of silence

In the bedroom and all around...

Even though my thoughts about her and me robbed me of many hours of sleep, I felt somewhat relieved. I got up, drew back the curtain, and observed that the morning sun looked quite different than normal. The sun was not as bright as usual, instead having a warm, almost unreal and mysterious glow.

(to be continued)